My 40s were amazing!
At 40, I was 3 years into what was turning out to be an amazing business
partnership in a lucrative business. I
was minutes away from buying a brand new SL500 on my own! I could go anywhere, buy anything, eat at
good restaurants, and stay at the best hotels!
I had the 5 key possessions, a gold watch, expensive shoes, purse and
sunglasses, the car, and oh yeah #6 the most amazing jeans!! I worked out religiously and was fit and
lean. I also had fun. I had good friends and good men in my
life. What was conspicuously missing was
children. In my 40s I might have had 20
something kids, but I did not.
At a very early age I remember saying to my brother, “I am not
getting married and I am not having kids”.
He did not believe me. He was
two and a half years younger than I. Later, much later in our lives my brother is
married and had 2 lovely good boys.
During this much later time my brother came to me and said “you were
right, how did you know at 13 you were not getting married and not having kids?” I don’t know how I knew, I just knew. Kids are so observant and feel so much more
than adults realize. They are clean
slates and have an inherent ability to understand right and wrong and who they
are. It gets all screwed up when
neurotic adults get involved to condition them to wrong is right and right is
wrong. Anyway, I think I knew deep down
that I was too selfish to raise children and that was wrong to be a selfish mother.
I think I did not understand that a child is actually a part of you like
your hand or heart. I did not
understand because I was not raised that way.
Had I understood that a child was a piece of you and therefore fully
entitled to you being selfish and selfless all over them I may have done things
different. This was the beginning of the
“Age of Aquarius”, not literally, but it was an awakening and people especially
young beautiful free people, were starting to think of themselves and buck
tradition. It was OK to not follow the
scripted path. I fell for it hook line and sinker! I was growing up to satisfy me and me
only.
No regrets, no regrets ever….. until….. OK I still have no regrets but I was so
conscious in my choices I cannot regret them and they made me who I am today
and that is someone who can reflect on choices.
So to this other blogger, I say, you are hanging around the
wrong people. You possibly are unhappy
and have the regrets, even tho your life is good, but you are trying to convince
yourself otherwise by writing about it. “The lady doth protest
too much, methinks.” (One of my favorite quotes.) BUT! Good Grief, I have never been
accused of being unhappy or judged (at least not in front of me) by anyone. My confidence knows no bounds even when I
am wrong. I am very good with
myself. I have, however, envied others
with their beautiful children and watched them grow to be good kids and teens
and then move on to their own lives. I
have never wanted to trade places though.
My 40s were so fun, I was still
young and fresh and financially secure and in some ways beautiful (at least to
me). This was not possible when I was
younger, it takes years to find your place and freedom in life. I had
it all, then.
Now in my late 50s I can reflect (without any sadness) about
what it might be like to have 30 something kids and grand kids. I
think I may have missed out. I feel
more today than ever that family is everything. I
still have a wonderful life but seriously something is missing. I am slower to get out of bed. My travel does not include galloping a
horse in a herd of Giraffe across the Masai Mara in Kenya, anymore. I have more downtime so more time to think
about what could have been. That is the
beauty of youth, we can be so busy that we never stop and truly think about
things that we cannot understand at the moment but are worthy of thinking about. How will I feel in my 60s and then
70s? Was a wonderful life of catering simply
to me worth trading for dying alone.
Only time will tell. Those are
thoughts for Future Lorelei! HA! I am still the same.
Meanwhile these are some of my thoughts, today. What do I want to do now to make my life
worth having lived. (Children and their children are your legacy) Who am I? Where and how do I want to spend my last 20,
10 and 5 years?? Who will ensure that a nursing home treats me
with compassion?? Anyway, no need for
sadness I have some answers and I know where I am going and I am excited about
the future (yes still). I have plans but no regrets. I had to be me in order to be me.
