Risk Assessment and the Game Sexual Attraction

Our whole culture is developed around getting what you want, especially for men.  We women are used to not getting what we want unless we find a man to help.  In life the #1 rule of sales is that a No can always be turned into a Yes.     The problem is becoming more complicated with sexual ruination becoming a thing and the old rules are still out there being followed.  Look up “the art of persuasion” and “how to get a woman into bed” Women and men offer time proven advice choked full of tips and tricks.

I am fully aware of this new and potentially life altering conundrum.   Some women like to feel taken against their will.   It is part of their turn on.   Then for other women just the act itself with two consenting adults is taboo enough to cause fear.   Complicate the game by having women who have the genetic DNA of 1000s of years being considered property and only very very recently being almost treated as equal.   We all agree that temperament is genetic, right?   Women have evolved over the years and have been literally chosen and bred for their compliant nature, just like dogs, for the purpose of supporting man (in any way) and having children with a few bold and courageous women leaking thru to help the gene pool and lead charges to equality.   So let’s go back to these two women mentioned above.   These gals, both good girls, find themselves at a night club.    Woman 1 is going for the thrill of flirting and perhaps more for the evening.   Woman 2 is going to dance and have fun with girlfriends and just dancing with a man gives her the thrill.    Both women act like ingénues, one women is an actress and the other is real.   A normal man cannot tell them apart (but he should).   So now let’s add some drugs or alcohol, and some good old fashioned sexual biology.   If that combination has not all but killed morality let’s add in some male buddies to strike the final blow.   Clearly not all situations are like this.  But most situations that go south have some of these elements.  

Women have spent lifetimes perfecting risk assessment to the point that we do not even know we are doing it.   I can make a list of what I have done while I was in my teens and 20s to avoid being the recipient of cat calls or worse.  Men do risk assessment all the time in life but are having a hard time generalizing this over to women. Perhaps they have just plain discounted us.   They roll the dice and cross fingers all the time in business and they are willing to do it over and over again.  Going bankrupt, divorced or even jailed is just a stepping stone to the next step.  Men have the genetic DNA behind them and remember temperament is genetic, right?   The problem is that men have consciously been willing to take extra risks.   The greater the risk the greater the reward.   Now they are having to apply that risk to courtship which is extremely inconvenient for some.    A simple drunken transgression has the potential to bring them down as if they had sold the family farm for ocean front property in Arizona.  Worse, ruin them without a trial!   It may be wrong and not fair but it would make me stop and take notice. 

What are men and women to do??    Well probably most men are going to say we women need to lighten up, it is just sex for goodness sake.    Didn’t the sexual revolution of the 60s started and fueled by Larry Flynt and Hugh Hefner desensitize our culture?   Recently Robert Redford was quoted in response to the K decision "I feel out of place in the country I was born".   I get what he is trying to say but come on dude, it was far worse for women when you were born than it is today.  When you were born it would have been unheard of for a sexual encounter to ruin a man.  Honestly "me thinks men prosteteth WAY too much.   Ok ok, back to what are humans going to do.  First of all get better at life, be better at being a good person, parents raise your kids better, simple eh?  Women need to understand that not all women are trashy and slutty and deserve or want what they get.  Some women are in the wrong place at the wrong time and things escalated.   Men need to become better at reading women.  Seriously.   If you are driving a race car and you want to go faster and faster you need fine-tuned skills in order to not wreck or worse, kill yourself.  If you are in the corporate world making deals you need to know the person across the table and read them well or the deal could go bad.    Many of my friends are dog trainers, the only way we get better is by reading our dog better.   So the reality is, men need to read women a lot better.   Most women who fight you off really do want you to go away.    Most women who say "wait, no" at even the worst moment really do mean, no.   I would be willing to bet that the woman who really meant yes when she said no is the sort you should stay away from.   So basically any time there is even the slightest hesitation or weakest no, walk the F' away.   I can think of many more alternatives ways to not having your life ruined but to be honest men are smart, they are not stupid.  This is something easy to work out.

I have been thinking about this for some time.   There is actual precedence for what I am talking about.     Thank you, Nichole Hamilton for sharing this one.  

If you play with cats, you must expect to be scratched.   

Prophetic words, I think.   

I know that it really is inconvenient for men to add sexual encounter gone wrong to the list of things that can ruin them but life is full of things we do not like.    The reality is that there are so many men all over the world that have treated women with respect that this will only effect a small minority or the worst risk takers.  

In closing I feel we do need to give allowances to teen age brains and teen age sexual awakenings.   This has nothing to do with the K decision.   It has all to do with science and young people who are out becoming social and independent and learning about life and making the mistakes that they can learn from.   There is a reason people under 18 are usually tried as children and the record is cleaned as an adult.    Parts of the brain are still maturing and adult skills for actions and consequences don't yet exist.   These socialization years for teens are super important for their development and should not be held against them.   There is real science behind this and we need to be very careful in our outrage against children. 

Copyright 2018 Ciera Reflections. All Rights Reserved.

No Kids - happy?

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/05/style/no-kids-happy.html

My 40s were amazing!    At 40, I was 3 years into what was turning out to be an amazing business partnership in a lucrative business.   I was minutes away from buying a brand new SL500 on my own!  I could go anywhere, buy anything, eat at good restaurants, and stay at the best hotels!   I had the 5 key possessions, a gold watch, expensive shoes, purse and sunglasses, the car, and oh yeah #6 the most amazing jeans!!   I worked out religiously and was fit and lean.   I also had fun.   I had good friends and good men in my life.    What was conspicuously missing was children.    In my 40s I might have had 20 something kids, but I did not. 

At a very early age I remember saying to my brother, “I am not getting married and I am not having kids”.   He did not believe me.    He was two and a half years younger than I.     Later, much later in our lives my brother is married and had 2 lovely good boys.    During this much later time my brother came to me and said “you were right, how did you know at 13 you were not getting married and not having kids?”     I don’t know how I knew, I just knew.   Kids are so observant and feel so much more than adults realize.   They are clean slates and have an inherent ability to understand right and wrong and who they are.    It gets all screwed up when neurotic adults get involved to condition them to wrong is right and right is wrong.   Anyway, I think I knew deep down that I was too selfish to raise children and that was wrong to be a selfish mother.    I think I did not understand that a child is actually a part of you like your hand or heart.    I did not understand because I was not raised that way.  Had I understood that a child was a piece of you and therefore fully entitled to you being selfish and selfless all over them I may have done things different.    This was the beginning of the “Age of Aquarius”, not literally, but it was an awakening and people especially young beautiful free people, were starting to think of themselves and buck tradition.   It was OK to not follow the scripted path.    I fell for it hook line and sinker!   I was growing up to satisfy me and me only.   

No regrets, no regrets ever….. until…..  OK I still have no regrets but I was so conscious in my choices I cannot regret them and they made me who I am today and that is someone who can reflect on choices. 

So to this other blogger, I say, you are hanging around the wrong people.   You possibly are unhappy and have the regrets, even tho your life is good, but you are trying to convince yourself otherwise by writing about it.    “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”   (One of my favorite quotes.)   BUT!  Good Grief, I have never been accused of being unhappy or judged (at least not in front of me) by anyone.     My confidence knows no bounds even when I am wrong.   I am very good with myself.   I have, however, envied others with their beautiful children and watched them grow to be good kids and teens and then move on to their own lives.   I have never wanted to trade places though.    My 40s were so fun, I was still young and fresh and financially secure and in some ways beautiful (at least to me).   This was not possible when I was younger, it takes years to find your place and freedom in life.   I had it all, then.   

Now in my late 50s I can reflect (without any sadness) about what it might be like to have 30 something kids and grand kids.     I think I may have missed out.    I feel more today than ever that family is everything.     I still have a wonderful life but seriously something is missing.     I am slower to get out of bed.    My travel does not include galloping a horse in a herd of Giraffe across the Masai Mara in Kenya, anymore.   I have more downtime so more time to think about what could have been.   That is the beauty of youth, we can be so busy that we never stop and truly think about things that we cannot understand at the moment but are worthy of thinking about.     How will I feel in my 60s and then 70s?   Was a wonderful life of catering simply to me worth trading for dying alone.   Only time will tell.   Those are thoughts for Future Lorelei!   HA!   I am still the same. 

Meanwhile these are some of my thoughts, today.    What do I want to do now to make my life worth having lived.  (Children and their children are your legacy)   Who am I?   Where and how do I want to spend my last 20, 10 and 5 years??     Who will ensure that a nursing home treats me with compassion??   Anyway, no need for sadness I have some answers and I know where I am going and I am excited about the future (yes still).    I have plans but no regrets.   I had to be me in order to be me.

PC Puppy Birdie Came home

Regarding when to let puppies go to their new homes: 

This is a bit hard for me to tell because it feels like a failure on my part but the lesson is huge.   I think this is an important story to tell and I hope none of the parties involved are here or offended.   Recently one of my 2^nd PC litter pups came back to me.    This was an experienced Bull Terrier family.  There was more to the placement process than just an experienced home but in the end I let the puppy leave at approx 8 weeks due to pressure of my co-breeder to get the puppy asap to her new home to start bonding with the people and learning to play with the existing female BT.    This in and of itself is not exactly a problem but now that I am taking the dog back it is a problem.   This dog has missed out on 4 weeks of important socialization, human bonding, dog dog interactions and training that she would have had otherwise.   That 4 weeks is huge.    The reasons she did not work out were that she was too pushy for the existing female who is very soft and would not correct the baby at all.   She was too pushy with the child in the house.    She also had a lot of trouble greeting people she had never met.   If anyone has taken a 7 month Bull Terrier in the confirmation ring for the first time this isn’t exactly abnormal.   She was also barking and howling and spent long periods alone.   We did have some contact in the beginning and went over to their place to help them thru some of the dog interactions but I am not sure if they followed thru and had the time or patience and commitment to make it work.  

Now that I have her home with me, these are the problems I am dealing with.    She has no name recognition at all.    When given a choice she chooses other dogs all the time.   If no other dogs she will choose the human over being alone.   There is not a mean bone in her body but because she is a bit rude in her dog interactions I could see her becoming aggressive if the other dog reacts too badly to her.  As the play escalates so does she and it becomes more difficult for the other dog to remove itself from the interaction.   I have a big benevolent male dog who is sorting her out but I can see this going badly and have to watch carefully for signs that it is not working.   Luckily there is not a mean bone in her body and she adores the other dogs but has a hard time with impulse control (sort of normal for a BT, but exaggerated in her). 

I am a firm believer in the 12 week mark to let pups go home.   I was a believer before this situation and it was against my better judgement to let one so young leave.   I will never let a pup go at 8 weeks old again.   I can see 10 weeks for certain people.    I think judgement calls are important.    Look at the pup’s stage of development and the experience (and commitment) level of the new owners.   I have added level of commitment as a new requirement to look at for all new homes.    I am sure I did previously but now it is verbalized and written down and something that will have more discussion attached to it.    So some pups would leave at 10 weeks and other stay until 12 weeks depending on what I think the pup still needed and the new owners.    Believe it or not I have rarely if ever encountered argument about keeping the dogs from 10-12 weeks from the new owners, only other breeders want to defend and argue letting the pups go at 8 weeks.    

The Puppy Culture skills this girl would have learned at my home from 8-12 weeks are so valuable as life skills and would have helped her overcome every issue they had with her.   I feel I can attribute every issue to lack of early socialization.   Most of the behaviors would have gone instinct on their own with some diligence.   The barking came due to isolation because of the other behaviors escalating.      Taking this girl thru what she missed is hard when she is out of her imprint periods.    Many homes will not or do not have the time to do what needs to be done during that period because they really do not exactly know what needs to be done.   Something that is SOP for us breeders and performance and show homes is not so obvious to pet homes.   I suppose all breeds are slightly different, and each pup is different and of course all new owners are different but I really believe that 10 weeks minimum and 12 weeks is far better.  

The Sneaky Killer

Cautionary Tale

One thing that never ceases to break my heart is when a bitch dies due to complications of any kind due to pyometra.     I had never heard of it prior to getting a Stafford.  Since then I have heard of a lot of cases and many of them with sad outcomes.   I always wanted to think that pyometra was in certain lines, but that is not always the case.       I am sure for as many cases I have heard about there are many more behind the scenes.    I had talked to vets about it and they gave me some indicators, like usually is happens a couple weeks after a heat.   The bitch tends to drink a lot of water.   Temp may be higher than normal.   I want to tell you my very personal story which I did not discuss on Facebook publicly but I think it is worthy of sharing now that time has gone by and it was a happy ending.

At Daphne's last heat she had some thick white discharge about day 9/10.   I did not worry too much as she was acting normal.  We were also on the road so it was hard to worry too much.    On the way home,  a day later, she was not well, or appeared to be not well.     In fact I freaked out when we got home because she appeared to be unresponsive.     I got her out of the truck and she stumbled off and half ran to go potty.    She then ran to the house and went in her crate.   Something was not right so I called emergency to say I was coming and made a hour drive to have her checked out.   It was Sunday night at 10pm.   I must have been worried to not wait till the morning.     I got there and they took a culture from the inside of her vulva and everything looked fine.    We did an ultrasound of her uterus and it was fine.   We looked at previous xrays  and talked a bit about some degenerative disc issues  (too much jumping around in the show ring and at home).  So we decided that perhaps she was in some pain due to the height of jumping on the bed in the RV being straight up from a standstill rather than making a running jump.   So I put her on some pain meds for a few days.   I was worried that my ole girl was just showing her age and starting to slow down and wear out.    Over the next week I did not see the pain killers doing a lot but she did not have me as concerned and she seemd to be improving.  We had also ruled out pyometra, which was the big deal.   About a week later I was still thinking she was not right so I started taking her temp 2 times a day.   Finally about 13 days after the emergency clinic visit I decided to take her to the vet again.   I brought her in and they took her temp which was normal and another culture, also normal.   We talked some about Pyo and her back and her age and so I was a bit defeated and ready to leave when the doctor said how about we do an ultrasound and double check.    I said YES.    We took her back and held her for the ultrasound and she was full up of pyometra!!   She had an emergency spay that day.      

Daphne's signs were subtle.    Here are my unconfirmed suspicions:

• Her discharge at 9/10 days into her heat was actually an open pyometra.
• The 1st vet did not find anything in the culture because by that time it became closed.     She was also not bleeding anymore which could indicate the she was closed and her heat was over, but she was only on day 11.
• The 1st ultrasound did not show anything because she had just closed, nothing has built up yet. 
• Then she cooked that pyo for almost 2 weeks which puts it closer to text books cases (but who wants to to treat it as an emergency.  
• I suspect that pyo actually starts much earlier in the middle of a heat and only shows up a couple weeks after the heat which varies depending on when the pyometra became closed. 

I am extremely alert to differences in my dogs activity levels, condition, general appearance and health.     Everything about Daphne's case was very subtle and she really had none of the clinical signs when it became an emergency.   I knew something was wrong and pyometra was on my mind but ruled out.    I still could not shake my intuition.

The reason I am telling this to you all is because everyone should know about this silent killer and how subtle it can be.   My guess is that everyone in Staffords has had a pyo death touch them, perhaps not their own dog but one they knew well.    There is only one thing you can do and that is to pay close attention to your dogs every day.    This is all we can ever do.    All signs mean something.    I am not advocating going to the vet for every little thing because I do not.   You should however know your dog.   The most important sign in Daphne was that she was ADR, "Ain't Doin Right".   I would not recognize ADR in my dogs if I did not keep a close eye on them at all times.   

Please watch your dogs like a mother hen and especially your intact bitches when they are in heat and right after.    Trust your intuition better to be wrong than devastated.